lol I'm back (inb4 rage) soo...
Cranky. First of all, awesome, about damn time. However, there are some things I'm not really happy about (surprise!) Mainly, and this is the number one complaint I'm seeing in all online communities:
you can't be that motherflipper in one-player. f--- this. It's so absurdly stupid and everybody on planet Earth thinks so. They just want an excuse to force people to be Donkey Kong. Well, spoiler alert, Donkey isn't the most interesting Kong. I'll readily admit this. But like, look at Super Mario 3D World that just came out. Yes, it has five characters. Mario is still the main character in the game and there's no confusion about that. I heard someone else say it (possibly on this board) and I'll reiterate: Nintendo seems to have this obsessive need to "compensate" for two
effing games from two decades ago that had Donkey Kong in the title yet didn't feature him as a playable character. Did some people actually buy the game, expecting to be able to play as Donkey Kong, only to find they couldn't? Possibly; but even in the 90s I'd imagine that number was pretty low. It's 2013 now. We have the Internet. People research the games they buy. No one's going to get this game and think "oh good, they're forcing me to be Donkey Kong! I'm so thankful or else I'd forget he existed!"
f---.
And there's the lame-ass cane pogo bounce move. I had seen some people predict it, I guess it's from some
effing Scrooge McDuck game or whatever the
f---, but
f--- that. Cranky's cane is a solid wooden object. It's literally just a piece of
effing wood. On what earth or universe could that
possibly function like a pogo stick? If they had used the design of Cranky's canes from DKC2, where there's a curved handle and a little rubber covering at the end, then
maybe it could have worked. But I'm just surprised Retro/Nintendo (I assume Retro is responsible) is stooping so low as to rip off a
Scrooge McDuck game. That's not how I want the Donkey Kong series to operate, although DKC
does owe a bit of debt to the Mario platformers that came before it (that debt is extremely small, mind you, and of course DKC ended up surpassing those games in every regard. Although perhaps this is a moot point since Donkey Kong was the first platforming game in existence, except for Space Panic where you can't
effing jump.)
So, what else. Well, of course I hope Rambi and Engaurde make it in. Though it'd be funny if Hoofer was in, I'd never get tired of that
$#!@storm. Oh, and I hope K. Rool stays far, far, far the
f--- away from this game. Don't mention him, don't show him, don't allude to him.
He must return in Smash. That is not a question. Retro had their chance, blew it, and they are never allowed to touch the Kremlings as long as they live; which probably suits them just fine, because they actually do hate the Kremlings. No, seriously, I wanna ask you guys this: Does anyone here
honestly think that Retro likes the Kremlings? Or Donkey Kong Country, for that matter? If they did, guess what they would do:
Put Kremlings and cool crap in their video games. They like Donkey Kong, certainly, and they like the most basic distillation of the
idea of Donkey Kong Country, but I wish a Retro higher-up would've come out and said "Yeah, we hate Rare and don't give a
f--- about them or their work." Would've been less painful.
I'll end this post, but here is the real reason why I hate Retro and proof of their fundamental misunderstanding of the series, from
this IGN article:The Blasphemer wrote:There are no crocodiles in the game. (laughs) ...Mr. Miyamoto's guidance was, "You are making a better DKC." It's a new game. Everything that people liked about DKC we're taking and doing the very best we can to improve on them.
See, that's it right there. That part in bold. Here's what Retro and Miyamoto never understood:
You can't make a better Donkey Kong Country. It is already a masterpiece in every sense of the word and no one will ever, ever improve upon it. That applies equally for all three games. You can
add to them, sure; Rare themselves did that, and quite admirably. I love the ports. But
no one will
ever, from the ground up, build "a better Donkey Kong Country." If your aim is to do that, then you are destined to fail.
One thing I am anxious to see: the "Returns" instruction booklet contains the obligatory and arbitrary statement that Cranky is DK's grandfather. I wonder if this game will do the same. I only say this because Donkey Kong "continuity" has been bothering the hell out of me lately and I really want to put this behind me once and for all. I considered postulating the existence of alternate universes; one where current DK is the original DK and Junior is his son, another where Cranky is the original DK and current DK is his grandson, and yet another where current DK and Junior are one and the same, but it just seems like it would get too confusing. Well, maybe not. I'll work on it. Anyway, I'm off. (To play DKC2 on the same cartridge I've owned for the past fifteen years! Disc-based media, please
f--- yourself.)